


strange in sight

by fated_addiction



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, f(x)
Genre: Dating, Dating and Feelings and Things, F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 03:37:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7558621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Amber asks: "So, like, are you happy or whatever?"</i>
</p><p>Rumors are a terrible guilt trip when you're dating mostly by phone. Soojung has a lot of awkward feelings as it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	strange in sight

**Author's Note:**

> It's, like, a hundred degrees outside. So I'm hiding in my room and writing about my Kaistal feelings.
> 
> JUDGE ME NOT. Or do. I'm okay with that too. ;)

-

 

 

Amber asks: "So, like, are you happy or whatever?"

Twelve hours on a set pretending to be seventeen again and Soojung might just kill her. Screw the best friend code.

"You're worse than my sister," she answers, dropping to her bed. "And Vic-eonni," she groans. "Luna doesn't count," she adds, "because throwing things at her face is like beating a puppy up. Not cool."

Amber rolls her eyes. "You really don't scare me, Soojungie. Try harder." And if there were a saying to describe the very nature of their friendship, that would be it, appropriate variations and all.

"You're just lucky I'm in another country."

Amber laughs and smiles. Soojung settles in her bed, feet sore even as she stretches her legs out under the blankets. At least, she thinks, tomorrow is a late start.

But the elephant in the room is still there.

Nothing has changed: dating Jongin is like being friends with Jongin, expect, like, they do stupid things like hold hands and make out and stuff. It flusters her still, to think about it, not that she remembers a time where it was platonic in her head. But he doesn't need to know that.

The weird thing is that there is a public nature to their relationship, that it affects things like business and _sales_ , that rumors carry heavy weights with them, and the rest of the world continues to remind her that they have an opinion. Which, you know, sucks.

"I should get off the phone," she mumbles, yawning. A flash of concern fits over Amber's face. "I'm fine," she says.

"Just don't work yourself to death like someone else I know."

Soojung shakes her head. "I'm having dinner with her later in the week," she says. "I'll tell Vic eonni you said that."

"You _should_ ," Amber shoots back, sticking her tongue out, and they both sort of laugh because this year is already insane enough as it is. "And call your dumb boyfriend," Amber says, waving her goodbye. "Because he's equally annoying as you are!"

Soojung rolls her eyes and lets Amber hang out. It's the legalities of the last word. She waits a minute, clutching her phone against her chest. Her eyes close and she evens out her breathing. She tries not to think about it; the butterflies creep in anyway.

Her eyes open and she finds his number on her phone. It's her turn to call, she tells herself. Which is weird and stupid. But it's one of those things that makes sense in her head. She waits though. Breathes in. She has an entire routine; it's weird and that's whatever, but it's all part of getting used to calling him her _boyfriend_. She's trying.

His number pops up. Then she presses send.

"Hey," he greets, answering on the third or fourth ring, smiling, sweaty, and, of course, sitting alone in the practice room. She smiles - fondly - because creatures of habit. That was something, she thinks.

"Hi," she says back, and gets a little breathless. Her mouth curls openly. Her gaze squints. "You're sweaty."

He laughs. "Well." She watches as he slumps against a mirror. "Practicing is hard."

It's a little obnoxiously cute, how boring they are, in fact, as Jessica likes to point out a _million_ times, boring is a good look for her - there is something to be said with fighting to be normal, with keeping things personal, with refusing to allow people to dictate the scope of their relationship. She likes that they make mistakes on their own.

"How was your day?" Jongin asks, and she has to laugh, shaking her head. "What," he insists, "I literally haven't seen you in weeks."

"But," she teases, "we were at that hotel that one time -"

"Yeah, six billion years ago."

Soojung rolls her eyes.

"Yeah, but, seriously - you okay?" He pushes his hair back. The phone goes unsteady for a minute. "You eating? Sleeping? Not missing me too much, I hope."

She snorts. There's still that flutter though. The one that peeks into her throat like a secret.

"Don't make me say it," she mumbles. Jongin snorts. "Seriously," she flushes. She groans and rubs her face. "Feelings!" Her hand waves around. "It's easier to show you -"

Jongin breaks out into a loud, warm laugh. There's no echo, which means he's alone. But her face still burns a bright red.

"You're such a perv," he replies.

"You're not playing _fair_."

"You're the one in another country," he points out, "instead of coming to visit me at the practice room tonight. With ice cream. Because it's insanely hot out that I might _die_." He's equally dramatic, of course. 

She laughs brightly. The sounds curls in her throat and she shifts, settling back against the headboard of her bed. Her legs curl underneath her and she shifts a little, growing serious. Maybe. Just for the moment.

"I miss you," she manages quietly.

His face softens and he smiles. "Me too," he says, equally just as quiet, shy even.

These are the times where it feels brand new.

 

 

 

 

The week she leaves for Japan is a giant cluster of just, well, _stuff_ between speculation that f(x) is going to disband (they're not), her sister is going to probably get secretly married (duh, she's so _not_ ), her sour face (because she really just wants to punch the Internet), and an old news report that comes up, where a panel of reporters and actors and what not talk about what she and Jongin should have done in regards to the backlash that their relationship garnered.

It all comes to head in Osaka, frustrations boiling over because the world just has no _business_ and yet, for whatever reason, has decided to formulate whatever opinion it wants without knowing the story. They're never going to earn the story either, her sister always says to her - smiling sadly, of course. It's the nature of the beast.

But everyone around her gets hurt, she thinks, frustrated as she watches the reporter say something to the effect of " - they should apologize, but maybe it's too late -" and it just hits her, hits her in away that it hasn't before.

"I don't _care_ ," she hisses, spitefully throwing a napkin against the television, even as Amber shoves a lollipop into her mouth, Sunyoung sends a smile in her direction, and Victoria, who is resting her head in Sunyoung's lap, gropes and blindly reaches for her hand. 

Their fingers lace. "Yes you do," Victoria murmurs, squeezing her fingers. She smiles a little. "And that's okay too."

"I just -" Her eyes well up and she feels stupid. "I just want to live quietly for once. Even for a day, you know? And then there's this other part of me," she says, "that wants to stand on a platform and tell people that I can handle what they say about me -"

"Nerves of steel," Amber quips, laughing when she sends her a look.

Soojung shakes her head. "It's not even that. But when people say awful things about you," she points to Amber, "and then you," she points to both Sunyoung and Victoria, "I just... I literally want to _scream_."

The hardest thing she's ever done is be honest with people that aren't her sister. Over the years, the circle has expanded to these three girls and now, finally, there's a plus one to the mix. As much as all of this unsettles her, she is equally protective of these people, loving them as fiercely as she can.

"He can handle it," Sunyoung murmurs. She smiles brightly, shrugging. "Otherwise," she shrugs, grinning. "We'd -"

Amber smirks. "We'd talk to him again."

"Again?" She narrows her eyes. Victoria laughs and Soojung relaxes against the sound. "What did you do -"

"Go see your boyfriend," Amber replies, skipping the subject entirely. "And tell him to avoid dark corners. Since Henry's around here somewhere. I guess."

Soojung flushes and laughs a little. She's still coiled tightly, still angry because honestly, if she cursed, all she'd be ready to say is _what the actual fuck_. But since, well, she's like twelve and what not, those words don't exist anywhere but the back of her mind.

She obeys though. Still dressed in her stage costume, her jacket discarded somewhere in the room. In a little while, they'll film the music video for their new single so, well, whatever, right? She walks out of the dressing room, into the long hallway, and swings around a mix of familiar faces from the company, everyone gearing for the next night of the company tour. She smiles politely when she has too, waves shyly when she gets interrupted for a documentary for NCT, and then gets dragged off by Taemin, out of nowhere, down some strange hallway that she doesn't remember seeing.

"What even," she says, ignoring him when he laughs, jerking a finger to Jongin, who, of course, is the romantic in the hallway.

He winks. "Just doing the best friend thing." He laughs when she tries to kick him; they're always twelve around each other anyway. "Have fun," he says, and then, suddenly, she's alone in a hallway with Jongin and it feels like it's been months not weeks.

And then she looks at him.

She's not that girl, the one who will measure steps as he crosses the distance to step in front of her - _five_ \- but when she looks at him, just as he reaches for her hand, she forgets to breathe. It stupid and he sucks, she thinks, smiling.

"Hey," he murmurs.

"Hi." She blinks. They turn into the wall. He leans over her, his mouth grazing her forehead. "You didn't have to be weird."

He laughs against her skin. "Amber texted me."

"And said be as weird as possible?"

"Something like that," he replies, amused.

Weird, right, that holding hands makes her heart feel like it's going to explode - she stands there, resting against the wall, and her palm feels like it's on fire.

"Hi," she mumbles again.

It's sort of them, after some kind pause, that he leans in, over her all over again, and just kisses her. It's a subtle kind of kiss, quieter than it means to be as his mouth sort of flutters into hers. She sighs a little, adjusts her hips, and then breathes into him, pressing back because she can't remember the last time they shared the same space together.

She feels tentative. Lets go of his hand and wraps her arms around his neck instead. "Against my better judgment," she says, out loud and muffled against his mouth.

Jongin laughs again. Her skin flushes as it vibrates against her mouth too.

"Do I even want to know?"

"You're the one that decided on the hallway," she shoots back.

He shrugs, pulling back and resting his head against hers. "Figured you wanted the time," he says quietly. "The four of you have been really been busy."

She kisses him for that and it's sort of stupid, really stupid, how her heart swells a million sizes larger and it's like, well, why does this guy just go and _get_ me. She can't remember, really, how they were as trainees. Everyone swears up and down that it was sort of the same - and maybe it was - but here, now, it feels equal parts terrifying and familiar nonetheless.

"When do you go back?" 

She blinks and shrugs. "Tonight," she murmurs. Her fingers tug a little at his hair. "I have a schedule the rest of the week. And a lot of meetings about comebacks and what not." She sighs too. "And you have your tour."

"Mm." His mouth curls. His expression changes; he'll never ask her if she'll come, but the question taunts them nonetheless. "We're taking some time here to rehearse. At least, that's the rumor."

Soojung tries to keep it light. "You should buy me a present in the meantime." Her nose wrinkles. "And really - try not to let Taemin pick it."

Jongin kisses her again, laughing into her mouth.

It's almost a stolen moment.

 

 

 

 

 

What happens next is two parts true, a million times ridiculous, and a thousand more bizarre. The Internet says something like: "OMO OUR SOOJUNGIE WAS PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY AN EXO-L!!!" which, when she reads the thirteenth gossip article about it, only makes her sigh and hate every inch of her life even more.

"So what _happened_?" Jessica exclaims and there's a chorus of responses, all reminding Soojung that she is on a call with Victoria, Sunyoung, and Amber as well.

"Nothing," she mutters. She is safe at home for the night. The doors are bolted and she's turned off her laptop, hiding it in Jessica's room because if she's near it, she'll just go and try and monitor herself. "Nothing more than usual, I guess."

"You're ridiculous," Amber interrupts. The color of her voice changes and she's serious. "What did they say to you?"

"It was one girl," she replies tiredly. Her head is starting to throb. She gropes her way to the bathroom. Thinks about washing her face. Instead, she sits on the edge of the tub and picks at her pajama bottoms. "Something about stealing Jongin and ruining everything. I don't know. It's nothing new."

"It doesn't make it okay," Sunyoung speaks up.

"It's okay to be upset," Victoria adds. Because, like her sister, Victoria is the standing mother figure through and through, knowing every inch of all of them whether it's another country, across the ocean, or over the phone without needing to see them.

Soojung's eyes water. "I know," she manages, quietly even. "I'm fine. I'm just going to shower and go to bed."

She hangs up with everyone. Manages to shower. Her body relaxes, but her mind is literally everywhere, up and down and all over the place, not with regret but wondering, as always, if she's strong enough to handle these things.

Ten minutes later, Jessica calls.

"I can come home," her sister says.

Soojung watches herself smile in the mirror. Her hair is wet and starting to curl at the ends.

"Eonni," she says gently. "Don't be ridiculous."

Jessica pauses. "Yah." The tension in Soojung's shoulders start to ease, just a little bit. "All I can say," she murmurs, "is that it's going to get easier when you decide to make it easier. Remember, not everyone is going to like you -"

"But those who do," Soojung finishes, "are going to _love_ you and stay around as long as you need them to." Her sister laughs and Soojung's eyes water again. "I know," she quips, sniffling. "I just -"

In the span of half a second, Jessica takes a step further and becomes Sooyeon, just her sister. The color of her voice is warm and gentle and for a moment, Soojung thinks about asking her to come home - Jessica would be on the first flight, if she blinked and needed her to.

"Talk to him," she tells her. Jessica's voice remains warm. "Tell him these things. The worst thing you can do to yourself is hold everything in. Remember, the two of you are in the same place - well, maybe not the exact same place, but in a place that many people can't share."

"I just don't know how to do this," Soojung says. Her voice stays small and sharp.

Jessica laughs a little. It's like an echo.

"No one does."

 

 

 

 

 

They don't actually talk about Japan. Or what supposedly happened in Japan. Speculation dies down almost immediately because there are six different scandals and the fact that f(x)'s Krystal has a boyfriend from EXO is so ridiculous that it's, well, _whatever_ for the moment.

It's weird being busy though, and busy but thinking about him, exchanging texts on the verge of being friends instead of a relationship. It makes her wonder if he regrets this, even though it's been months; they've never had a honeymoon period and if there was one, maybe this means it's over.

So she texts him.

_humor me k - am i a good girlfriend?_

_duh_ is the reply she gets back.

She waits a few minutes and there's nothing else. A heavy, irrational panic settles in. Her fingers fly over her keyboard and before she can actually think, she says:

_do you regret us_

She could really kick herself in the face.

Embarrassed, she puts her phone down for the rest of the day. She finishes her schedule. Goes home and waters their plants. Lies to her sister because, duh, she forget and it's not like Jessica is any better. But it's all in the back of her head and she's actually terrified to look at her phone, knowing that she put that worry out there and that he's probably like what did _I_ get myself into to Taemin because Taemin is his weird version of Amber, she guesses.

The worst part is when she's home though, trying to force herself to make dinner and checking, well, _screening_ her texts and then panicking because Jongin has replied and there is no way she's going to read it.

"You're a moron," Amber tells her over the phone. She's still in Japan. "Literally, dude. Moron."

"Well, _dude_ ," she shoots back. "I don't know what else to say. I feel like the worst girlfriend ever."

"It's not like he doesn't trust you," her best friend points out.

"That's not even what it's about!" she exclaims, throwing her hands up. The fridge door is open in front of her and she holds it with her foot, forgetting any sort of idea of going and cooking some kind of dinner. "I just - I don't _know_ how to do this. I don't know how to say that it was really scary when the fan came up to me and I tried to keep together and all I could feel was like _ohgod_ what if I lose him because of these things. Because I'm certainly not brave enough to handle that. I'm also stupid enough to fight someone when it comes to the people I love -"

She stops, mid-sentence, wide-eyed and staring at Jongin in her kitchen. Because he's there. Right next to her. Holding the fridge door like he's been there all along.

"I gave him your code," Amber says, amused. "I know you had some sort of ridiculous girlfriend thing planned with candles or whatever -"

"- _I hate you_ -" 

"But," Amber ignores her, "you should probably dump this on the appropriate person. Like him."

Soojung does not react. Or doesn't know how to react. Her brain sort of wires out and when she hears a dial tone, it's Jongin that pulls the phone from her head. 

"I brought take out," he greets gently, and she is halfway into the realization that she's nearly, well, pushed him into that group of people that she allows herself to say things like _love you_ without telling him.

She swallows though. There's chicken on her kitchen counter. "Okay," she manages.

"Did you eat?"

Soojung shakes her head. "I had coffee."

"No wonder," he teases. He reaches for her hand, lacing their fingers together. He tugs her to the counter. "You get a little crazy with too much coffee."

"Only slightly," she mumbles, and he laughs.

The growling of her stomach on leads him to take charge, grabbing their takeout and some plates and leading her to sit outside in the back balcony. She sort of follows mindlessly, only letting go of his hand to sit on the ground with him. They lean against the wall and he drags her legs over his lap. He picks up his chopsticks and feeds her some chicken.

"So," he starts. Then feeds her again. "I'm going to say a few things. I'm also going to feed you."

She blinks.

Jongin smirks. "You're allowed to speak after you eat," he says and shoves more into her mouth, even as she glares at him and ignores the flutter in her belly.

They stay quiet though. It's more than just nice - it's just _them_ and there is no other way to describe it. She flashes back to the earlier months, when they started doing this, when he sort of kissed her first and then, minutes later, she grabbed him and kissed him back.

"I'm sorry," he says suddenly, after a while. Looks down and laughs, handsome as the corner of his months turn. "I feel like this is my fault. I feel like I should have the right thing to say and I can't think of it. It makes me insane, you know?"

"I know -" She's cut off when he shoves some rice into her mouth and just ends up glaring under his laugh.

"Listen," he chides, tucking her hair behind her ear. She mock-sulks and he leans in, kissing her jaw. "I wish you'd call me when these things happen. I know it's one of those moments where - well, you think you're a burden. I also know that I could tell you until I'm blue in the face that you're not and that regardless of what people decide to say, I'm with you because I love being with you and I can't think of anything else but being with you. You're you and that's really all I need: you to be you, you to be nothing but you, and everything in between. It's really just as simple as that."

She doesn't know what to do other than swallow, her heart uncurling her throat as it starts to pound. The worries don't go away; they'll always be there, of course, because that's the way this is going to work. But then it goes beyond that: it suddenly becomes that moment, _the_ moment, where she wants to go and tell him everything, really tell him everything, where "You're important to me, you know?" has lost its title as the most romantic thing she's said to him.

Soojung exhales. She didn't even know she was holding her breath.

Her fingers wrap around his hand and she pulls the chopsticks out of his, quietly putting them to the side. She stumbles a little too, reaching for his face. Her palms press against his cheeks and she holds him there, watching him, trying to work up the nerve to say anything.

"I'm not good at this," she half-confesses. "I told you before."

"I know." His mouth twitches. "And I ignored you."

Soojung laughs. "You did." Her expression changes and she's serious, shaking her head. "I'm glad you did," she says softly. "I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're not letting me lose my mind. I'm just -" She shrugs a little, biting her lip. "I'm just glad you're you too."

It's not the moment, you know. It's not the moment where she goes and says things that are epic about love and this and that. Maybe that'll come. Maybe not. Maybe it'll be everything and nothing she wants it to be. And that's okay.

Because when she looks up, right at him, the corners of her mouth curl and she leans in, kissing him softly. She can hear her heart pounding in her ears and feel his fingers curl at the nape of her neck, playing lightly with her hair.

"I'm going to kiss you again," is all Jongin says and he kisses her laugh into silence, lips warm and sticky and sweet.

It's not supposed to be perfect, she thinks.


End file.
